So, I’ve been a little AWOL the past few weeks with our trip to Malawi and then the loss of my grandad shortly after we got back and it’s killing me and I feel like I have to get back to normality or I will lose my mind.
I stopped myself writing this blogpost while I was in such an awful place because I didn’t jut want it to be about just the sad, I wanted to write about my whole grieving process and tell you a positive outcome too. You’re probably thinking…how can there be a positive side to losing someone you LOVE! Well… I have no idea, I’m also pretty confused but the answer I guess is, God, He helps you get through it and he never gives you something you can’t handle.
On May 3rd 2017 we got a phone call that my grandfather had died, it was the most devastating news and I felt a pain I’ve never felt before in my life, one I couldn’t escape, one I thought would change my life because I didn’t want him gone I wanted him here I wanted to know that I could call and ask for him or about him. Now who do I ask? No one. He’s gone.
2 days before the news we had just arrived back to South Africa from visiting him in Malawi. He was sick. Regardless of how we felt about losing him, he was sick and we all knew that this was it…. but it’s never an easy thing to admit.
My grandad had stage 4 gall bladder cancer and he was deteriorating everyday. He had lost so much of weight in such a short time, everything was happening so fast and he was almost unrecognizable. It was heartbreaking.
-The worst part-
The worst part about losing someone so close is, you feel so alone, like you’re surrounded by EVERYONE but you still feel alone, No one knows what’s going on in the other persons brain. You see someone smiling and you envy them, how did they get over it? When will I be able to smile? Tears would stream down my face every time someone said “grandad” , is it gonna feel like this forever???
People would tell me the whole time that he was in a lot of pain and it’s better this way but in that moment to be honest that would make me feel worse and it was terrible because I saw him struggling to live each day but that did not make me understand why I had to lose him. He’s still gone and I can’t comfort him anymore, I can’t kiss his hands and forehead anymore, I can’t hold on to hope that he’s going to get better, he’s just gone.
What hurt the most during this was that he held on for us to all go and visit him and then to go back home before he passed away, he waited for us to travel home ((safe and sound)) and rest a day or two. And even though now I believe that he was ready and he had seen us, in this horrible time I felt like I left him, like he died because we left him, all alone.
-You do recover-
I woke up, Its been just over a week. I stopped, and I was like….. I feel…. better. All my negative memories of grandad turned positive.
What a blessing! I got to see my grandad the last days before he passed, I got to spend time with him, I got to laugh and cry with him, I got to cheer him on when he ate well or spoke, I. Got. To. Say. Goodbye. And not a lot of people get that chance. I didn’t leave him, I said goodbye. And he was ready. And he’s somewhere where he’s at peace and is in good hands ~NODOUBT~
I think about him a lot and I am SUPER BLESSED that I have fresh and recent memories of my grandad, everything happened for a reason and I actually get it. And wooooh it’s a rollacoaster of emotions, but it gets better. Don’t rush what you feel, you NEED to go through everything you go through. It’s hard and it feels like you’re stuck in a sad fog forever, but, it clears. Just let yourself go through all the emotions and don’t rush your feelings. It’s all life. Life is crazy and weird and confusing and sad and happy and life.
All the memories are still there but now atleast I smile, I still cry, but I smile too 🙂
Grandad, I miss you so much and it sucks that you’re not around anymore but I LOVE YOU!
RIP Harry Aaron Mwalughali